Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in on_des_row's LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, June 11th, 2008
10:57 pm	i have a new journal the username is "aporianonymous" LOL add me yo (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 29th, 2008
6:51 pm	so i haven't posted on this in a while, huh. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, February 10th, 2008
5:23 pm	we're never going home when i got put on anti-depressants for the first time, over two years ago now, i stopped taking them after about three weeks. something like that. i never went back to the doctor. i got out of the really dangerous and destructive place i was in, sure. but the doctor i'm seeing now suggests that by ending my course of medication early i might have never actually fully recovered from that first bout of depression. and now i can really see how that might be the case. this kind of clarity is somewhat alien to me. i am motivated, engaged, appropriately positive. i experience sadness without spiralling into self-loathing. i do an enormous amount of work for uni, and i really enjoy it. i like my life. and that's something i've never really been able to say for a good while. not that i didn't have fun, and i appreciated all my friends and such. but i was always clouded in ambivalence, apathy, confusion. i couldn't look at my life and think, yeah, this is good. not that i've got it all figured out. i could do with not being single, but i'm not going to stress about it. there have been a few oppurtunities over the last few months; yeah they didn't pan out, but it's encouraging. and currently the day-to-day process of studying, talking, reading, drinking, laughing and BEING is really great. so that would be more something that would be lovely if it happened, but isn't vital to my functioning as a healthy, productive (odd that those terms go together) human being. me? posting an unambiguously positive livejournal entry? who'd have thought it? i almost feel like i should end on a bitter note, for old times' sake. but i can't do it. love you x Current Music: black flag - my war (12 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 30th, 2008
1:40 am	i'm drunk, so i'm going to be honest. i went to the doctor about three weeks ago. was diagnosed with depression again, put on anti-depressants. tell whoever you want. people should probably know, but i can't tell people because i can't deal with it. there you go. sorry if i'm a prick. (8 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, January 27th, 2008
6:21 am	sometimes it feels like everything has gone to shit. and sometimes you feel like you might be climbing out of this hell you somehow found yourself mired in; but every fucking time something manages to conspire to kick you right the fuck back down. goddamnit. (7 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, January 25th, 2008
12:03 pm	i don't know what to tell you. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 22nd, 2008
3:18 pm	i have a date with a girl on thursday. (28 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 1st, 2008
8:57 pm	where have i been all your life? given that it's now 2008, i feel somehow required to ruminate a little bit. try and reduce the past year to a comfortable paragraph, maybe tame the new one with a few vague resolutions, some hopes or fears, impending live music experiences. whatever. i don't really feel like doing that to my past. it would be a disservice to a field of memory so broad and complicated that nothing i could probably ever say would make it intelligible to anyone but me. and isn't that the same for every year, every life? nothing we can say to each other will mean all the things we want it to. so looking forward. do i want to do that either? do i want to impose some bullshit sentiments of intent and comprehension on a period of time that is so agonisingly undefined? not really. every year we end up so far from where we started, and who could have guessed any of it? that sounds exciting, and maybe it is. but it's also scary, overwhelming. it makes me wonder how much of this we meant, and how much we stumbled into like new year's drunks. i guess if you know me, you know where i stand on that. it's not so much cynicism as resignation. which is exactly what a cynic would tell you, right? maybe we can take those two points, a whole solar orbit apart, and see if they mean anything to one another. can i really remember what i wanted then? i don't know what i want now. did last year's me feel this adrift? probably. a dead end there too. so what i'm trying to say is that there's nothing i can say about either side of right now that would satisfy me. so what about that tricky, never-present "right now"? i'm really tired. that's about all i can muster. i'm satisfied with the complete lack of profundity. i'm not going to represent myself to myself if i can help it. well i guess i can't, nobody can, we're always standing at a distance from ourselves and trying to fix the parts together in a pleasing way. but if i have to do it, i'm not going to broadcast it to the internet. no offence. so i guess what i mean to say after all that shit is happy new year, have a good one. take care. (11 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, November 9th, 2007
1:16 pm	i'm bored, but not ashamed What was the last concert you attended? the loved ones What bands have you seen in concert the most, and how many times? if we don't count bands that are local to me - even though i wouldn't qualify the dauntless elite as a "local" band, as they're on plan-it-x - then i've seen ghost mice and against me! four times apiece. i've seen tilly and the wall four times as well. there may be others. Do you have any setlists? no. Are there any CDs in close proximity to you? yeah, lots of CDs are piled on my desk. way too many to mention. What band are you in the mood to see live right this second? the hold steady. Have you ever been on a tour bus? no. Have you ever partied with a band? we had a few beers with this japanese math-rock band called lite. they were great. How many states/provinces have you been to concerts in? i don't live in america. but i've been to a festival in california. What bands did you see live the month of May? according to last.fm, i went to six gigs. so if we include supports that would be somewhere in the region of 15-20 bands. it's perfectly possible i went to a few that didn't have last.fm events, however. What CD are you addicted to at the moment? haven't been listening to CDs much, but I've been playing Boys In Girls In America by The Hold Steady pretty much constantly since I got it on LP a few days ago. Who is one band that you used to like, but now you can't stand? i dunno, linkin park? a bunch of bands i liked when i was 13 and didn't know any better. Have you ever been on anyone's guest list? Whose? nope. Last band person that you got a picture with? i'm in a picture with hannah and chris from ghost mice. i never have a camera with me so i don't have photos with pretty much any of the bands i've met. How old were you first concert you went to? 14 I think. Fenix TX and RX Bandits in 2002. Are you wearing a band t-shirt right now? yep, burzum. What band do you own the most merch of? if we're excluding records, then latterman. as i have two latterman t-shirts. Do you ever do anything crazy at shows? no. occasionally get stupidly drunk. heckle mildly on rare occasions when i think a band deserves it. What are your favorite venues to go to shows at? joseph's well is pretty great. bit expensive though. the koko in london was amazing. bridgewater hall in manchester was probably the "nicest" venue i've ever been to. What band do you have the most performance pictures of? i don't have a camera. Would you ever get a tattoo representing a band? i have a jawbreaker tattoo. How many concerts do you average a year? i've been to about 50 so far this year. i'll probably hit 65 by the end. Upcoming shows? envy tonight, mono/jesu next week, rilo kiley, the weakerthans, lucero, stars of the lid in the rest of november. ATP in December, probably The Good Life too. And of course BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN AND THE E STREET BAND. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, November 2nd, 2007
4:38 pm	i'm reading this book by a guy called aaron cometbus. he's published a zine for the last twenty-five years, largely based in the East Bay SF punk community. this book is partially a compendium of some of the stories from that zine, but linked together to form a continuous narrative of when he and a rotating cast of drop outs, drug addicts, thieves and punks lived in a house called Double Duce. it's really great. the book is written like his zine was - hand-written, all in capitals. lots of stories about him and his friends getting drunk, getting arrested, living in squalour, stealing, generally being punks. him living in the attic, writing his zine by candlelight on a desk made from empty milk bottles. makes me want to break my computer, stave in my tv, sell my dvd player and just live on records and books from charity shops. steal food, buy second-hand clothes. because the whole thing about it, how he romanticises or at least renders idyllic what may sound like a harsh and difficult way of life, is the freedom it gives you. the whole idea of the zine, and the book, and the culture, is being able to take part in it and form it from the bottom-up rather than having to accept anything as given. he makes a speech to his various room-mates at one point, about how they should stop singing along to all those punk records like they really mean anything to them, but make their own songs instead and sing those. write their own culture and give it back to punk what they took out of it, by changing it and modifying it in line with their own lives. that's what the book inspires me to do, and if getting rid of all the excess that makes it easy to sit here day after day and refresh facebook, dowload interchangeable mp3 files, mindlessly absorb television programmes, whatever, then maybe it's worthwhile. i know that the internet and television and so on can be worthwhile, but i also know myself, and how lazy and apathetic i am. so maybe i need to stop giving myself a choice. hey, i can still get drunk and watch films at other people's houses, right? the library has internet. there's plenty of charity shops selling old scratchy records i haven't heard. it's tempting. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, October 19th, 2007
12:15 am	Latterman (2000-2007) "We were a band for 7 years and it was time to not be a band anymore. I was in New York less and less and there was some record label stress and things were just getting too weird with the shows we were getting asked to play, the things we were getting asked to do, and the way we felt the band was being perceived. Personally, I don't give a shit about "being positive" or whatever that meant when we were all 18, and the most people seemed to be getting out of the band was "how important friendships are." Well how fucking boring is that? No shit friendships are important, but I think that was far away from the messages we were trying to convey with Latterman. I Felt like a broken record going on tour and talking about sexism in punk rock every night and then some fucking bro-dudes coming up to me and saying some fucked up shit. I even got to a point where I stopped calling them out on it, and that just felt wrong. I was tired. Basically, it just stopped making sense for everyone in the band to keep on doing the band." Okay, we all knew it had happened, but now it's official. This is so depressing, to know that a band who seemed to speak so directly about all the things I hoped punk rock could be got so disillusioned that they had to give it up. Really, this is rubbish. Current Mood: sad (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 21st, 2007
2:45 pm	The next few days will either be incredible, or an unmitigated disaster. Possible exclamations issuing from my mouth include: Oh shit, I just got stabbed walking around Manchester on my own late at night! Oh fuck, how the hell did I end up lost in South East London?! Oh christ, I'm so tired I've forgotten how to breathe! (7 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, August 4th, 2007
9:15 pm	My Saturday night + = Who said drinking alone was bad? Current Music: The Gaslight Anthem, obviously (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, July 20th, 2007
6:28 pm	Naked Raygun, matt and kim, Seaweed, Dillinger Four, Torche, Avail, Municipal Waste, 108, The Marked Men, Lawrence Arms, Paint It Black, American Steel, Smoke or Fire, ASG, Blood Bath and Beyond, J Church,Fay Wray, The Ergs, The Bomb, Erin Tobey, The Flatliners, Four Star Alarm, Dead to Me,Idel Kids, Planes Mistaken For Stars,In The Red, Lemuria, O Pioneers, Off With Their Heads, The Draft, Circle Takes The Square,Assholeparade, Billy Reese Peters, Grabass Charlestons, New Bruises, New Mexican Disaster Squad, Young Livers, Pegasus XL, Ram & Ox, Defiance Ohio,Saw Wheel, Summer Birds in the Cellar, The Sundowner, The Swellars, The Arrivals, Toys That Kill, The Underground Road to Candyland, Transistor Transistor, Haram, Fin Fang Foom, Pink Razors, North Lincoln, Bitchin', Religious as Fuck, Radon, This Bike Is A Pipebomb, Nakatomi Plaza, Bomb The Music Industry, Chinese Telephones, Four Letter Word, Modern Machines, Thunderlip, Tiltwheel, We Versus The Shark, Cloak/Dagger, Against All Athority, One Reason, Clorox Girls, Shitstorm, Mehkago NT, Ape Shit (from da earff), The Sass Dragons, ADD/C, Cross Examination, Comadre, The Humanoids, Delay, The Dauntless Elite, Andrew Jackson Jihad, Ghost Mice, The Copyrights, The Gaslight Anthem, Bridge and Tunnel, Madeiline, You Me and the Atom Bomb, Sinaloa, The Future Virgins, Skeleton Witch, Baroness, Coliseum, Triclops!, A Death in the Family, Matt Kurz One, No Trigger, Fake Problems, The Valley Arena, Canadian Riffle, Fleshies, Nothington, Monotonix, Old Growth, Science of Yabra, Off Minor,Delay,The Arrivals, The Methadones, Shot Baker, Dan Padilla, Fleshies, The Bomb, Glass & Ashes, Static Radio, Ringers, Whiskey Sunday, Drunken Boat, Fake Problems, Amature Party,Ninja Gun,Daniel Stripped Tiger, Monikers, Witched With Dicks,Austin Lucas, Young Widows, Max Levine Ensemble, APESHIT!, Brain Worms, The Wading Girl,High Tension Wires, The Potential Johns, Gash, Ampere, Rager, The Brokedowns, Josh Small, Paul Baribeau, One Reason, Das Kapital, Party Garbage, Chinese Telephones, The Brokedowns, Git Some, Gunrack, Kiingdom of Magic, New Bruises, Witches With Dicks, matty pop chart Someway, somehow, I'm going to the Fest. Pretty much every US punk band still around that I want to see is on that list. I need £500 now. You in Mike? We can sell kidneys or something. Also, Rilo Kiley, Manc Academy 3, August 21st, who's in? (8 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 17th, 2007
11:12 am	I just broke my phone so don't bother trying to talk to me. (7 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 27th, 2007
8:42 pm	Remember our life. I did the dishes while you read out loud. Pretty much every Jawbreaker lyric is worth sitting down and thinking about. They are basically the perfect band, musically, lyrically, thematically, stylistically, in every way. The first weekend back in Leeds after a week working for my dad, I thought I was going to write a big post about how it was. I had a lot of things I wanted to say, about missing people and being tired and feeling weird after a week on my own. I'd started talking out loud to myself as much as I used to. It was a sort of deja vu feeling of being 13 or 14 again, and not really ever going out anywhere, just sitting in my room and reading. I used to romanticise that time - kind of miss it, and reminisce about it. I think it's healthy to realise that I'd far rather have all my friends and have places to go and things to do every night, whether I actually end up doing them or not. But anyway, I didn't end up writing it. Or the weekend after either. And now I don't really know whether I want to say those things anymore. I still miss people - last night I was supposed to come up to Leeds to see Kimya Dawson and Hot Cross, but all the trains were cancelled and I couldn't get out of Penistone. So I want from looking forward to seeing people to having nothing to do but sit around and listen to Jawbreaker and wait until it was time to go to sleep. I ended up going to bed at like 9.30 because I was feeling so tired and despondent. But generally I feel okay. I think working all day makes me feel too lethargic to really want to see people or anything like that. I do kinda just want to lie on the settee and watch shit TV, or read a book or something. But even when I do think about how I don't want to be doing this really, having to live for the weekend and just waste all week away, counting minutes til my dinner break or waiting til a good film comes on TV, even then I realise that, hey, this weekend I'm seeing Strung Out and Crime In Stereo, next week I'm seeing Converge, the week after I'm spending four and a half days in Belgium, a few weeks later is Set Your Goals and No Trigger, then Out Of Spite X, then the week after I finish and move back up to Leeds for good, and THAT VERY WEEK I go to London for Slint playing Spiderland and then Leeds festival. Then Sonic Youth in London, Beastie Boys in London, hopefully Regina Spektor in Birmingham, all in the space of a week. Then I'm back at university, and yeah, I really am looking forward to that. I want to be engaged with my course this year, I really do. So that's all amazing. And yeah waiting for every day to finish feels like I'm measuring out my life in coffee spoons and pouring them away in the sink, but I can deal with that when there's so much to wait for. Life is good, I think, most of the time. And when it gets shit, well, I can just lie on the settee and listen to Jawbreaker, right? Current Music: You can probably guess (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, June 10th, 2007
12:38 am	I've been terrible at updating this. Not that there's any standard of posting frequency I'm trying to meet or anything. But three posts in the last four months is pretty poor going. I haven't thought of what I'm going to type, I'm just feeling reflective and at a loss for something to do. I'm going to work for my dad again on Monday. There's a number of things I'm worried about at this prospect. I know how to do the job, and I know everyone there, and so on, so that's not a problem. It concerns me that I'm going to miss people - not knowing anyone in Penistone means that it's going to be work/eat/read/sleep from Monday to Friday for the next ten weeks. That's not so bad, it sounds pretty good in some ways, but I will definitely miss everyone. I've never been very good at dealing with that. So that's going to be rubbish. Plus my dad has another new lady, who seems like she will be more permanent than the few others he's had since his last divorce. The last few times I went to visit it seemed there was always a new one on the scene. But last year when I was working for him and living with him, even though the isolation of being in a place where there really are no possibilities of a social life is pretty grating sometimes, I did get to spend a lot of time with my dad. Which was great, it was the first time in my life that my time with him wasn't rationed. But that was when he was still technically married to my last step-mum, though she lived in Wales. So it was just me and him. And I think the new woman might complicate things in ways I don't like. We'll have to see. It's only ten weeks and it's money and obviously I'll be up in Leeds every weekend having wild fun. Plus, festivals and gigs and stuff aplenty during that time. I'll survive. I can't think what else I need to say. Owen/City On Film tomorrow should be amazing. Getting up at six on Monday to go to work won't be. At all. Be rate. x Current Music: The Clash (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 9th, 2007
6:25 pm	Okay, so everyone on the internet except the band and the label says they've split. I'm pretty convinced. Upsetting. I hope this is like when they split up for a year or two between Turn Up The Punk and No Matter Where We Go. I want more Latterman in my life. They're still the best live band I've ever seen. BUT EXCITEMENT Apparently - and I have this on quite good authority - Matt (bassist/vocalist of Latterman) is in a new band with CHRIS FROM JAWBREAKER called Shorebirds. Actually I've just watched a video of them playing a show that's on youtube. So this is definite. I hear they're trying to keep it under wraps for now. BUT BUT BUT BUT I'm VERY EXCITED! A band with members of LATTERMAN AND JAWBREAKER. Oh dear god, I've died and gone to heaven. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
6:20 pm	SOMEONE NEEDS TO TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON WITH LATTERMAN. PUNKTASTIC SAYS THEY'VE SPLIT, EVERYONE ON PUNKNEWS SAYS THEY'VE SPLIT, BUT THE BAND AND DEEP ELM HAVEN'T SAID ANYTHING. I NEED CLOSURE!!! (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 3rd, 2007
7:55 pm	A summary of the last ten days: Manchester Chicago San Francisco Golden Gate Bridge City Lights Bookstore Record stores Aqua Teen Hunger Force movie Los Angeles Venice Beach Indio Five hour queue Bjork Heat Regina Spektor More heat Rage Against The Machine Los Angeles Hollywood Not enough sleep Chicago Manchester Leeds Nap London Lucero Leeds Sleep Wrestling Now (4 Comments |Comment on this)